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London Calls Me A...

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Reporting this because I love it so much. Thanks to @smileysamituree for the edit. #5sos #calum #calumedits #5sosedits

miss-nobody13:

Everyone’s flipping their shit about Augustus and his cigarettes.
A) he doesn’t even smoke them so its not like he keeps buying packs you turnips
B) its literally to show how he thinks. He gives a deeper meaning to everything and is philosophical which is RELEVANT TO THE FUCKING BOOK

(via lukes-twerking-penguin)

Gameshow host: True or false - Pavlov's theory proves inferior beings will respond to a bell.
Contestant: Um, true?
*ding*
Contestant: YEAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I was in a store and I saw that peanut-butter-and-jelly-in-the-same-jar stuff. What in the hell is that? Is there a point to that? You know I’m lazy but, uh, you know… I want to meet the guy who needs that. “Some guy going, “You know, I could go for a sandwich, but I’’m not gonna open TWO jars! I can’t be opening and closing all kinds of jars… Cleaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?” If you’re that lazy, why not put croutons in there and get the whole sandwich on one spoon? “Mmm… Scrumptious! I will have a second!… DELECTABLE! As was the first!” Or if you don’t wanna clean the spoon, put it all in a squeeze bottle. “Mmmm! Lunch and no clean up! Can life get better? I submit that it can NOT!"

- Brian Regan (via rovenka)

Teacher: Brian, what's the I before E rule?
Brian: Um... I before E... always.
Teacher: What are you an idiot, Brian?
Brian: Apparently.
Teacher: No, Brian, it's I before E, except after C, and when sounding like A, as in neighbor and way, and weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!
Brian: Oh, that's a hard rule.
Brian: That's a- that's a rough rule.
...
Teacher: Brian, how do you make a word a plural?
Brian: You put a S.
Brian: You put a S at the end of it.
Teacher: When?
Brian: Uh. On weekends and holidays and-
Teacher: No, Brian. No. Let me show you.
Teacher: Erwin! Erwin, what is the plural for ox?
Erwin: Oxen. The farmer uses oxen.
Teacher: Brian?
Brian: Wh-aaat?
Teacher: Brian, what's the plural for box?
Brian: Boxen. I bought two boxen of doughnuts.
Teacher: Oh no, Brian. No.
Teacher: Let's try another one. Erwin, what is the plural for goose?
Erwin: Geese. I saw a flock of geese.
Teacher: Brian-
Brian: Wha-a-a-at?
Teacher: Brian, what's the plural for moose?
Brian: MOOSEN. I saw a flock of MOOSEN.
Brian: There are many of 'em.
Brian: Many much moosen.
Brian: Out in the woods- In the woodes- In the woodsen.
Brian: The meese want the food. The food is to eatenesen. The meese want the food in the woodyesen! In the, food in the woodenesen!
Teacher: Brian! Brian.
Teacher: You're an imbecile.
Brian: Imbecile-n.
Teacher: What, are you speaking German, Brian?
Brian: German. Jermain. Jermaine- Jackson! Jackson Five. Tito!
Teacher: Brian, what the heck are you talking about?
Brian: I don't know, I don't know really.